Someone precious asked me this question last night:
[ "How come... Why... did those gals propose to you? What made they ask you to marry them in the first place?" ]
What a wonderful, difficult, cunning and brilliant question.
Well…
My first answer was, "I don’t know."
My second answer was, "I think they’d just gone mad!"
My third answer was…
They always knew I
was not a marrying type of man. I’m not! They very much realised they
couldn’t really tie me down, regardless of the status whether we were a
couple back then, or just close friends who play around and
have a certain understanding (that we must limit the number of
people we see now that we’re kinda together although there was never
any proposition-to-date-exclusively thing or whatever). So by
popping the question, I guess they had just decided to give it a shot!
They thought, "Perhaps if I asked him to marry me, he’ll settle down
and realise that I love him and he loves me and he’ll be mine only."
Which well, you know, knowing me… it was a fatal cataclysmic
conclusion. It went straight down the drain.
My fourth answer was…
I used to believe
in the holy matrimony. I used to put marriage as one of my life goals.
Yeah. Until several years ago. Along the way, views were shared, facts
became evident, things happened, cynicism grew, priorities had a total
make-over. Basically, people changed. I stopped believing in marriage.
Until I experienced another period of transformation. Oh, I forgot
exactly when. Some time last year probably. News about old friends who
got married, had children, lost their babies, got divorced, lived
separatedly from their spouses, made their families as their first
priorities, love their shared lives, et cetera. Strange as this might
sound, but those unfortunate and happy news had forced me to have a
rethink about my non-marriage-believer notion. I happened to decide to
be more open-minded, as if the insides of my skull were not already
scattered. So I found my new overstatement.
[ If there was one lady, who could show me and make me believe and
make me feel comfortable with the idea that I would spend the rest of
my life with her, only with her, I would be happy to give up my single
life. ]
I know something as crucial as wanting to get married should come out
from within, instead of depending on some grades I base on what someone
could give me, although comfort is simply on the list. But come on, I’m
not asking for a partner to move mountain! To have a million quid saving
before she even thinks of asking me to marry her! It’s pretty rational!
What can she do, to make me sure to say ‘yes’? So… do my ideas still
sound too conditional? Too stupid to think about? Pathetic? Oh, shut
it. I was willing to change my goddamn life philosophy. At least give
me an appreciation credit for that.
My fifth answer was…
Actually, what I had just written above about recovering my beliefs in marriage was nothing but BULLSHIT.
I still don’t believe in marriage. By admitting this, I know, it shows
that I’ve been lying to my friends and family coz I’ve often said to
them, "I know it seems that I haven’t really tried to find a decent partner to spend my life with. I know that I’ve given the impression that
I’ve closed my heart. It’s not that. Being married is not among my
priorities at the moment. But I do, I do want to get married some day."
Fuckin hell, I’ve even been deluting myself. Those words were merely
something I’m so used to throw in whenever I want to put those people I
care about at ease.
In my opinion, that piece of paper or book or stamp or whatever that
binds two people legally, only serves in a social sense. So then,
people will recorgnise a couple as a (legal) couple. I am not looking
for that lawful acceptance. I don’t need that formal awareness issued
by some institution. Dammit, I’m not sure what I’m actually searching
for but I know this… I want a commitment. A different level of
commitment. A commitment to be faithful, to be trustworthy, to love, to
share a companionship.
I don’t want a piece of paper.
Call me an idiot, for believing
that such commitment exists. Call me a dreamer, for imagining that a
commitment is enough. Call me a fool, for not wanting to have an
established bond that can give me something to hold on to when things
go wrong.
At this time, a different level of commitment is what I want.
That’s what I’m asking.
That’s what I’m looking for.
Oh, guess what.
I may change my opinions again.
I may also not.
Those lady were great lady. They were.
They offered me a new life. A shared life.
We could be happy together.
They loved me. I used to love some of them.
But
when they asked me the question, when they held my hand in theirs, when
they were down on their bended knees, when they sacrificed their
beliefs, when they compromised, my heart said no.
My sixth answer was…
Marriage, is not at
all, what I’m looking for. Even if I were at the end of the blissfully
happy road of a non-married couple, where it led to the obvious next
stage for most people (read: marriage), I could not see myself in that
stage.
I’m taking a whole different stage.
Does that answer your question?
———
Oh, bollocks.
I’ve given you more than you’d bargained for, have I?
Well, you know me.
When I want to, I can be a real good story-teller.
Wait till I get in the moods to talk about marriage and religion, and dig this… having and raising children!
That’ll be the day.
———
I gave the first, second and third answers and partly the fifth to my precious one last night. The fourth, the other part of the fifth and the sixth were today’s product of hyperactive neurogenic energy of my grey cells.
Anything goes baby, to put me off doing some real work.
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