Starting a New Life Abroad

Oh dear, having a sprained neck is not fun at all, let alone having it on weekend..
will you be w/ me hneyyyyyy
BTW, seems that mid weekend is still fun in spite of the neck thingy..

Apparently, I’ve got a sprained neck.

Last Monday morning I woke up feeling my muscles around the right side of my neck and both arms a bit stiff and aching. I was dismissive about it thinking that it was just some psychomatic reaction that my mind and body have created as their defense to face Monday.

The pains in the arms were completely gone as I entered the lobby of the office. However, an hour later, my sprained neck got worse coz whenever a colleague called my name, I turned to the right, to the direction of the door, straight away.

Gah. What a moron.
Might as well kill myself.

One of the research nurses who worked for the company where I work checked on my neck and said that I’ve got a wry neck that could be caused by an injury or vigorous movement during sleep. I don’t remember doing anything stupid that might endanger my neck while I was conscious yesterday, so the latter explanation sounded more applicable. It must’ve been some fun/nasty/intense dream I had last night, judging by the severity of the neck pain I have to endure now. I can’t recall the dream though. For all I know, it could be anything from giving too many blowjobs to being a burnt-out professional gymnast.

My colleague told me to take things easy, drink a painkiller, and not to move too much. It’s so annoying coz I can’t even read or type too long coz those two non-calorie-burning activities sprain my neck muscles even worse. I’ve been sitting in such position to keep my back virtually 180 degree straight and now I’ve got a headache!

Argh! The timing couldn’t be better!

*groans*

Apart from that, Monday has just been another Monday.

I had fun, lovely chat on Saturday and Sunday *lubu*. Also the weather was perfect with the overt sun and blue skies. Wishing good luck and saying goodbye were postponed because of the unplanned plan that we might each other again. Soon.

Yeah. Whatever.

OK. I definitely need some rest now.
No more excitement.
My neck! Ouch! My neck.

A defective item, I am.

Mari ngebacot dalam Bahasa Indonesia.

Taun 2006 ini, menurut gua pribadi, adalah taun yang ajaib.

Malam taun baru.
Karena satu dan lain hal, sekarang gua memutuskan bahwa malam taun baru 2005/2006 patut dilupakan.
Dihilangkan dari ingatan gua.
Dihapus dengan kerelaan hati.

Awal Januari, 2006.
Libur panjang.
Macem-macem lah kejadian gua alamin.
Dari reuni temen SMA, reuni anak Indo Aussie yang udah pada balik for good ke Indo, ketemu mantan, ketemu calon, operasi lasik, rekonsiliasi sama teman lama, disiksa batin, belajar jadi temen yang baik lagi.

Sempet berasa lemah banget.
Sekarat.
Rasanya gua bisa mati tiap saat cuma gara2 ditiup.

Sempet marah semarah-marahnya.
Gua ngga bisa inget kapan gua terakhir marah kayak gitu.
Sama diri gua sendiri.
Sama belahan hati gua.
Sama bukan siapa-siapa.

Sempet seneng.
Tapi seneng yang ngga pol.
Seneng yang tersendat-sendat.

Januari akhir, 2006.
Balik ke rutinitas.
Ke tempat hibernasi dan isolasi.
Habitat gua.
Mulai bisa narik dan hela napas pelan-pelan.
Dalam-dalam.

Februari, 2006.
Belajar jadi robot.
Yang bisa dimatinyalain sesuai kondisi sekitar.
Belajar disiksa lagi.
Kenapa gua jadi pengalah gini?
Semuanya jadi kesimpen sendiri lagi.
Padahal gua lagi mau belajar untuk membagi.
Tapi kayaknya, belum saatnya.

Gua bingung.
Gua sendirian.
Semua berubah.
Ngga ada yang megangin.
Ngga kayak biasanya.

Dulu kalau gua limbung…

Ada

si tangan kiri.

Ada

si tangan kanan.
Sekarang, semua lenyap.

Lalu ada tangan yang lain.
Tangan ketiga.
Yang udah lama, gua ngga sentuh.
Yang sebenarnya selalu ada, tapi gua selalu lupa.

Gua termenung.
Gue ketawa.
Gua bisa senyum lagi.

Tapi hati rasanya ada yang aneh.

Ada

yang protes.
Gua harus tau batas, katanya.
Antara menghargai dan memanipulasi.

Tapi kenapa…
Kenapa kekuatannya begitu besar?
Padahal gua pikir, alam bawah sadar gua udah menang.

Gua coba jaga jarak, mundur satu-satu.
Putar balik ke arah yang mestinya gua tuju.
Muncul rasa bersalah yang kemudian ketutup sama rasa ragu.
Rahasia ya, bibir gua membisu.
Gua nyoba mantra baru.

Gua miliknya.

Sesaat…
Gua pun tenang.
Gua bisa bahagia.

Namun, sesaat kemudian…
Waktu mantra tak bersambut.
Buyar pertahanan gua.
Rela gua ngorbanin prinsip.
Gua pun jatuh.
Biru. Lebam. Luka. Darah.
Sakit.

Tapi gak lama, gua berdiri lagi.
Prinsip gua pegang lagi.
Siapa elu.
Siapa gua.
Kenapa sih ngga cari yang tengah aja?

Gua dengerin.
Gua ngalah lagi.
Ngalah yang berbeda.
Ngalah yang ditolak.
Tolakan yang bikin gua senang.
Orang gila.

Tapi…
Lho kok…
Ya ampun!
Kenapa begini lagi?

Februari akhir, 2006.
Setan-setan dari masa lalu.
Satu persatu mereka muncul.
Dari awal taun ini.
Terus-menerus.

Ada

apa ya?

Ada

hubungan apa antara Taun Anjing sama Shio Ular gua?
Halah.
Kayak gua percaya gituan aja.

Besok.
Iya, besok.
Gua bakal ketemu salah satu setan itu.

Perasaan gua aneh.
Antara bingung.
Penasaran.
Seneng.
Takut.
Gemas.
Nakal.
Khawatir.
Tak sabar.

Sekarang malah setengah berharap.

Ada

yang nawarin tangan lagi.
Biar gua bisa berdiri tegap.
Biar gua bisa tegar.
Biar gua ada kekuatan penuh.
Untuk ketemu setan gua itu.
Untuk ninggalin setan itu.
Untuk bilang semoga lancar dan selamat tinggal.

Berharap.
Tapi, tangan siapa ya?

Salah pertanyaan gua.
Mestinya gue bilang, tangan siapa yang gua harapin?

Lupain lah.

Kayaknya gua ambil gelas aja.
Buat gua taruh untuk nutupin lilin gua.
Sekarang aja apinya udah kecil gitu.
Gelas.
Matiin api gua.

Mati.

Tuh

kan

, gelap lagi.
Sendiri lagi.

Baru juga Februari.
Tapi bentar lagi Maret lho.
Trus April.
Trus Mei.

Kok gua nyengir?

Guk!

You know that you’ve got too close with someone when his/her parents say this the first time you meet them in person:

"Ah! So this is the one whose face I always see in the pictures that my son/daughter sends home regularly!"

And I don’t even go out with their son or daughter! *LOL*
That’s just odd. I know.

Don’t look at me. I’m rather embarassed.

I love my iPod video. I really do.
Probably I love it more than I love my current lover. Ha! Oh, the amusement I’m feeling right now if she’s reading this and getting quite pissed off! *LOL*

But darling, were you there when I was dead bored on the plane on my way to and from RMB? No, you weren’t. But my iPod was. Entertaining me with videos of South Park and Sponge Bob Squarepants. Making me laugh obliviously to the curious fellow passengers on the crowded plane who glanced at me wondering what had amused me so much. So darling, I’m sorry. I love you but I also heart my iPod.

Bila dapat kuberikan apa yang kau mau
apa yang kubisa dalam sekejap saja
ku berikan ku berikan..

Tapi bukan hal yg baru kau inginkan aku.
sepanjang waktuku harus slalu denganmu
maafkanlah ku tak bisa, ku tak bisa
——

Selama 2 minggu terakhir ini, kepala gue dipenuhi sama lagu ini.
Luv u

Sandy

.
Sebenernya lirik lagu-nya cupu banget
Eh, ga sampe banget dah. MAsih mending, tapi ya cupu.
Cuma gue seneng denger musiknya.

Dan akhirnya gue berhasil mengetahui nama penyanyinya, setelah sebelumnya temen menyesatkan saya  bilang kalau yg nyanyi itu Samsons (or simsons? or simon?).

Tapi lagunya emang enaaakk…
gue suka hehehe.
Sampe2 sepanjang wiken kemaren kerjaan saya cuma menggumamkan lagu ini di video ipod hadiah ummi. Coba clip nya gua punya ya…. U wish. Di mobil jg diputer mulu nich lagu sampe bosen kalee speaker gue J

Lagi kepikiran. Apa elo tipe yang demanding ya?
kerjaannya cuma pengen ketemuuuuuu mulu sama pacar kamu. Sms…..mulu, telpppon mulu ke teman temin

Tp sekarang emang sich, semenjak gue gawe di tu oil
gue akhirnya jadi kayak gini nih.
Bawaannya pengen ada temen bicara.
Gue ngerasa sendirian gini di

Jakarta

.

Temen2 gue juga pasti sibuk.
Sementara dulu media gue untuk berinteraksi sama temen2 gue ya lewat internet.
Milis, friendster, email, YM!, ICQ, MSN
sekarang gue turun kasta, online cuma bentaran doank buat check offline message
Pas gue online, ternyata ada ketemuan dimana, nonton bareng dimana, kopdaran dimana,
dan gue bacanya telat.
Dan rasanya sediiih..

Dan akhirnya yang ketempuhan pusing2 gue ya pacar, tetangga kost samping kanan kiri dan depan
Minjemin gue buku2 bacaan,
kasih gue stok tontonan, smallville satu season…
"Biar kamu ga begitu suntuk lagi kalau ga ada yg nemenin"
heheheheh…

tp gue berusaha untuk ga demanding,
berusaha ga banyak nuntut..
Namanya aja usaha…
Kadang gagal juga hehehe

Tp yang jelas, sabtuuuu minguuuu kau bersamakuuu….

duh,
maaf ya,
jadi curhat gini gue hehehehe
maaf maaf…

This picture frame.
The wallpaper.

There used to be you and me there.
Not anymore.

I put it down.
Last night.

This wallpaper.
The picture frame.

I replaced it with another picture.
Of my naked feet.
Standing on the sand, in the ocean water.
A picture I took when I was at a small quiet beach.
Somewhere in the Mediterranea.
Alone.

———

"When you really love someone
You want that someone to be happy
Although you may not be a part
Of his or her happiness."

I used to say, "Bollocks!" to that.

But perhaps.
Yet maybe.

It is better that way?
Or is it not?

It doesn’t matter.

If I knew something about life,
It’s about making choices.

Speaking of choices.

Last night, I heard that song again.
A forgotten song from my childhood.
A song that several years ago, someone had re-introduced it to me.
A song that makes my heart ache.
With what ifs.
With missing.
With longing.

I have made my choice.
To sing this song now.
To you.

La mer
Qu’on voit danser le long des golfes clairs
A des reflets d’argent
La mer
Des reflets changeants
Sous la pluie

La mer
Au ciel d’ete confond
Ses blancs moutons
Avec les anges si purs
La mer bergere d’azur
Infinie

———
Songs by Charles Trenet (La Mer) and Bobby Darin, Frank Sinatra, Wet Wet Wet, Robbie Williams (Beyond The Sea)

Separah itukah saya hingga harus ke psikolog????

Gila, pagi2 udah ngajak brantem si anak baru.

Perutku mulas.
Bukan gara-gara kalap makan cabe (seperti biasa).
Bukan juga karena keracunan microwave meal-nya Sainsbury’s.

I’ve got a thousand of living butterflies flipping their wings in my stomach.

Rasanya kayak abis ‘nembak’ terus disuruh nunggu jawaban.

Nasty.

Mati segan, hidup tak mau.

Nervous as hell.

Maunya sih cuek, tapi ngga bisa.

Having lotsa glasses of wine after dinner didn’t help either.
The wine only helped me fight the horrible rainy nite, and it made me write my blog more frequently than usual.

Gue mesti ngapain dong?
Heh. Itu pertanyaan retorik.
Ngga ada jawaban yang 100% benar.

I just want to get it over with.

Tapi di sisi lain, takut juga kalo cepet-cepet malah kacau balau.
Kalo jadinya begini begana gimana, sementara gue maunya begitu begono?

ADUUUOH!!!!

Maybe I should think less about it, and stop being a masochist.

Tapi tapi tapi…
Ngomong doang emang lebih gampang ya?

*sigh*
Wish me luck, please?